First day home with the babies after a 22 day NICU stay. 

August 20, 2015

Since my first sonogram when I found out I was pregnant with twins, everything was two. Two sets of clothes, two cribs, two car seats, a double stroller, etc. I cannot describe how incredibly thrilled I was to be a mother of twins. My favorite pictures of me are with my twins. I can see the happiness and joy I felt through my euphoric smiles.

 
When we would take the twins out, we were almost always stopped by someone asking, “Are they identical?” or some other question. The one my husband and I found the most amusing was, “What is it like to have twins?” We did not know how to answer because we did not know any other way!

 
Since Noah died, I would start to reach for two sippy cups in the morning. I still look for two sets of clothes in the same size when I need only one set. People no longer asked questions when we were out with just one child. Watching Liam play by himself added to my heartache. Maybe that was the worst part; knowing that he has lost his best friend. He no longer had someone to play with and talk to before falling asleep or first thing in the morning. I always considered their chatting at night and in the morning as their special time together.

 
A mother who lost one of her twins told me that her child was left off of the school yearbook’s twin page. A twin will always be a twin even if one of them has died. Living without your twin is hard enough, but having things like this happen adds to the pain. I now feel I have to prepare myself for these kinds of situations. I hope it will hurt me more than it will Liam.

 
Seeing other twins now does not have the same effect on me as it once had in the early days following Noah’s death. I had to look away quickly as it would give me a heavier heart to see a visual reminder of my loss and send me to tears. Now I think of all the wonderful times I had with mine and miss how special all those moments are, even the moments when I had two babies crying in the middle of the night or could not get my grocery shopping done as quickly because someone wants to talk about the twins. I would go back to those days in a second. 

A Small Look into What It’s Like to Lose a Twin