Spring 2016

Starting the end of February, I recognized something I was thankful for everyday for 30 days. My intention was to spend a few moments each day on gratitude despite the somber feelings I feel the weeks leading up to the fourth year without Noah.

Below is the list. The “storm” is never over. It comes and goes as the grieving process is forever after child loss with some days easier than others. I also wanted to reflect on how others tried to lift me up during the lowest time of my life. I will look back on this list if I feel stuck one day. I hope this can help you too. To see the full discussion check out the Facebook page and photos beginning on February 24.

Check out my Finding Thankfulness post for how we find gratitude everyday and on the holidays. 

1. You

I have a place to share my story and how I am coping after my little boy died.

2. Nature

I love watching my children play, going for a walk or listening to the wind rustling the leaves. There is something so calming about enjoying the outdoors and just feeling the present moment. Seeing the mountains, lakes, ocean, clouds or stars in the sky, a sunset or sun fall reminds me how beautiful nature can be. Beauty is right outside the door.

3. Liam

After Noah died I felt so devastated and did not want to get out of bed. I had to get up each morning to take care of Liam. He was depending on me. I needed to be there for him as his mommy and to help him cope with the loss of his twin. Liam’s smiles, laughter and toddler babbling would always brighten my day no matter how low I felt. I am so thankful to be his mommy and love him more than words can express.

Day 4: Faith

I believe in Heaven and that I will see Noah again when I die. I try to live each day the best I can and hope that I am following the path I should be. Knowing that Noah is there waiting for me is comforting.

Day 5: My husband

Tom is the one other person who loves Noah as I do. Neither one of us could have imagined as a young couple what we would have to go through. We have shared so much sorrow but also so much joy in our almost 9 years of marriage. He is such a wonderful father to my children, and I am so thankful to be his wife. I can see the love he has for me in his eyes and feel lucky that someone cares for me like he does.

Day 6: Ballet

Day 7: My Children Born After Noah

My little boys born after Noah’s death have brought so much joy and happiness that I thought would never be possible again. Their smiles lessen the ache in my broken heart. Liam is a proud big brother, and I am glad he has siblings to love and play with. I am so thankful to have these little men in my life.

Day 8: Kindness of Strangers

Many people I did not know brought over meals, gift cards, cash, and other things to help us. It was amazing to see so much support during and after Noah's illness. One day in the parents waiting room while Noah was in the PICU, I started crying pretty hard. I did not want Noah to see how scared I was and had the room to myself. A lady walked in and hugged me saying that she did not know what was going on but that she was so sorry. It was comforting for a moment to have a complete stranger care. I will never forget that women.

Day 9: Gizmo

When there are no words to make it right, a dog is very comforting. Gizmo would just put his head in my lap and lay there with me while I cried. He has been with me through my worst times and would not leave Noah's side when he was in hospice. I am thankful to have such a loyal friend.

Day 10: Family

My family has done so much for us. I am thankful for all the times someone was there to watch Liam while Tom and I were in the hospital with Noah. We also received a lot of support from relatives afar. My parents have always been there for me when I needed to talk and understand how important it is to keep Noah's memory alive.

Day 11: Crochet

I picked up crocheting because I wanted to learn how to make hats for NICU babies and pediatric oncology patients. It is a very therapeutic hobby. I really appreciated all the homemade items my twins received while in the NICU and when Noah was sick. So much time and love is put into everything made.

Day 12:  Yoga

Yoga reminds me to breathe. Taking time to slowly breathe in and out is instantly relaxing. Moving through the poses while being conscious of my breath gives me something else to focus on when my thoughts feel clouded.

Day 13: My Brother

My brother came to help me while Noah was in and out of the hospital on his college spring break which happened to be the week of his 21st birthday. He had never changed a diaper before but recognized how much we needed someone to watch Liam. It was such a selfless thing to do especially at his age, and I am grateful to have him in my life.

Day 14: Music

Sometimes I want to acknowledge a sorrowful moment or have a rush of positive energy. Other times I just want to pass the time. I am thankful to have a song to enhance what I’m feeling.

Day 15: Friends

After your child dies relationships with others change for the better or for the worse. I am thankful to all of my friends near and far that showed their support in my immense time of grief. A few thoughtful examples are bringing over meals, watching Liam, making a memory quilt from Noah’s clothes, writing a story about Noah for Liam, dog sitting, mowing my lawn, phone calls, long distance trips to my house, and accepting me for who I am now.

Day 16: Hope

It is amazing what someone can go through and continue on after a tragedy. At times it can be hard to find hope, but it is always there.

Day 17: Laughter

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. Finding humor in something small when nothing is funny is how my husband and I get through rough times. We are always laughing. I love laughing with my friends and can’t imagine a life without laughter.

Day 18: Bereaved Parents

It’s the club no parent ever wants to belong to. Having other parents who understand grieving the loss of a child makes it less lonely. I am thankful to have these people in my life when it seems that on one else understands. 

Day 19: Sewing

Day 20: Hospital Staff

I will always remember how caring many of the doctors, nurses, social workers, and staff were to Noah. They cried with us, help make keepsakes from Noah and Liam’s hands and feet, set up a special room for Noah’s last days, walked Gizmo, and many other things that I will never forget. Some of them continue to keep in touch, and I think it takes a really special person to do that. I am thankful to know these amazing people and call them friends.

Day 21: Love

Day 22:  Sleep

There were many sleepless nights during and after Noah’s illness. At times I wish I could just turn off my brain. Sleep was the only release from the nightmare that had become my life. As time has gone on, I have been able to cope better during the day. Sleep can still be a welcome break from the pain.

Day 23: Basic Needs

My father has a picture in his office of a child starving in a third world country. This graphic picture was to serve as a reminder of our duty to help others and be thankful for what we have.

Day 24: Pictures

I no longer have my child to hold. Having pictures and videos help keep the memories clear. Although I wish I had more, I treasure all the pictures we have of Noah.

Day 25: Books

Day 26: Art

Day 27: Groups, neighbors and acquaintances

It surprised me how many cared and reached out to assist our family when Noah was in the hospital. I will never forget the thoughtfulness of these people.

Day 28: Sunlight

Day 29: Water

Feeling the water one stroke at a time and hearing bubbles all around me can be calming. Other times I like to get in a good workout that leaves me a little sore afterwards. My favorite place to be is by the ocean. The sound of it relaxes me like nothing else can.

Day 30: Hand & Foot prints

I wear a necklace of Noah and Liam’s foot prints every day even to bed. It comforts me to have it close to my heart. I have also made Noah’s hand and foot prints into stamps so that I can include him when my children make artwork for the home or gifts. I am thankful that we were able to make some crafts with him before he died. I cherish these more than any other item in our home.

30 Days of Thankfulness