No Choice

September 26, 2016

​
A comment I frequently hear, “I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose my child.” It’s true. I did not fully understand even when I was told Noah was going to die. I still had him in my arms.

I do not look at myself as a strong person. I think of all the times when I was alone with thoughts of despair and indescribable heartache. This quote really says it all as I remember how sunny it was outside the day I woke up after Noah died. 

“That was the day my whole world went black. Air look black, sun look black….I was surprised to see the world didn’t stop just cause my boy did.” Excerpt from Kathryn Stockett’s The Help.

You keep moving because you have to. Having your child die is not a choice. Learning to live with the pain is the hardest part.

The closing quote reminds me of all the times I was hesitant and uneasy to do something after Noah died. I’m thinking of the times that I went to the hospital knowing that was the last place I saw my son alive, going to social gatherings, meeting new people, and answering the question of how many children I have. There is a level of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that I experienced with all those new “firsts” since his death that I still continue to feel.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.” – Theodore Roosevelt