April 11, 2017​

The pain is still there. It fluctuates between a small and large weight laying heavy on my heart every day. I have a hard time relating to comments on how it gets easier. There is nothing easy about it. I have learned to live with my grief so that it does not overcome me.

When we go on vacations, I think about where would Noah sleep if he were with us. I wonder where he would sit at the table if we are eating at in a restaurant. I think about what he would say about a movie we had just watched, what pictures he would draw, and if he would like all the same things Liam does. When Liam signs up for an activity, I think about how badly I want to see Noah participating too. I think about how I would be dropping off and picking up Noah at school and how I would balance going to two different homeroom parties around special occasions. The list goes on and on. Every aspect of my life as a mom has changed. There is never an end to the sorrow you feel after your child has died.

I am so grateful that Noah is part of my life. It is amazing how one person can change your life forever. I remember thinking this as I held each of the twins a few days after their birth, knowing that I have never loved anyone more in the world regardless that I had just met them.

Five Years

Liam painted two lambs to signify twins.