Holidays can be especially difficult.  

October 17, 2017​

“Let me know if you need anything.” Even if the person saying this truly means it, it may not be the best thing to hear when someone is going through a difficult time. After my son’s death, the only thing I knew I needed was my son. I could never have him back and no one could help me get him. I felt completely at a loss as to how our family would continue on having shrunk from four members to three.

Chances are you will not hear back from the grieving person since they do not always recognize where they need help. When they need help, they may be too reluctant to ask or feel like everyone has already done so much for them to go back and ask. Here are a few specific ways that others helped me.

Bring over a meal with no expectation that the griever will want to talk. This is not to say that I was ungrateful for the person’s time and generosity. I really appreciated meals left on my doorstep. I was not ready to talk or continue to rehash the series of events that led up to Noah’s death, nor did I want to explain the devastation I was feeling.

If you do hair, offer to come over and cut the family’s hair. I felt exhausted with simple greetings such as, “how are you?” I was miserable and did not want to exchange pleasantries with strangers and feign that I was ok. It was so nice to have a friend come to us.

Offer to pick up groceries, mow the lawn, help tidy or clean the house or run errands such as prescription pick up, go to the bank, etc.

Offer to watch the children  so they can go on a date with their spouse, workout or anything they enjoy and they can’t take their children to. One of my friends watched Liam so I could go to ballet on nights when my husband was out of town working. Ballet was my escape, and I am so grateful she offered childcare so I could do something for myself.

If you are a close friend, offer to come over and hang out when they are ready. Offer numerous times. Sometimes they may want to talk about their loss and other times they want to talk about other things going on. Be prepared to simply listen. Do not offer religious platitudes such as "God won't give you anything you can’t handle" or "everything happens for a reason." These are not helpful and can make the bereaved feel even more disconnected from the people around them.

Also, do not offer comparisons from losses you have experienced if it is not the same. If a mother has lost a child, she will not feel up to hearing about how you felt after the loss of a grandparent, pet, divorce, etc. Even those who have lost a baby or child that I have met since Noah died, I avoid saying "I know how you feel." While grieving parents share similar feelings on the devastation after their child has died, everyone's family dynamic and circumstance surrounding the death of a child varies significantly. It is impossible to understand the full extent of each person's loss. It is best to drop comparisons and recognize that all losses we experience are difficult. Research has shown that the loss of a child is by far the hardest death one can experience.

Be there “after the dust settles.” For the grieving parent, the dust will never truly settle. Many rallied around initially, but after a while others outside of the family tend to move on. Sometimes that is when the griever needs the most help. It can even be a year or more after loss. Small acts of kindness will always be remembered and cherished.