October 6, 2016

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After your child dies, your life is forever changed. In many ways you have to start over. The circumstances surrounding the change are unimaginable unless you have been through this type of trauma. Even as I type this, I have trouble finding the right words to describe it. You think you could never experience happiness again. How do you define what happiness is?

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” My father has repeated this quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln many times throughout my adolescent and adult years. A grieving parent might take offense of this quote. And they’d have a right to take offense to this statement to a certain extent. I do not know when Abraham Lincoln said this in his life, but he was also a bereaved parent. This is how I interpret this quote.

Happiness is something to cherish closely. To have an expectation that I will be happy every day is setting myself up for disappointment. Since I have felt such profound sadness, when I feel happy, I am so grateful to have that moment even if it turns bittersweet. In some ways all emotions I have experienced now have intensified.

I cannot change the reality that my child has died. What I do since he has died is up to me. When I feel sad, I make a point to try to make others feel good. In return this lifts me up. Comparing my life to others is not a good use of my time and can set me up for unhappiness.

Living a life intentionally and not just flowing through the motions is my focus now. I feel more content by embracing this way of life.  Abraham Lincoln is right. I am in charge of my own happiness. 

wHAT IS HAPPINESS?