February 1, 2017​

Another part of my life that has dramatically changed is prayer. I viewed prayer almost as a child does Santa Claus. If I prayed enough and asked others for prayers, Noah would be saved from dying. I cringe when I see or hear how “prayer works” or because of all the prayers XYZ happened. It does not work that way. Prayers were said all over the world for my little boy to live. I watched him suffer and tried to comfort him the best I could. He died at 17 months in my arms.

Not all my prayers had been answered the way I wanted them to in the past, but I never went through such an agonizing experience before Noah’s death. I was mad and disappointed at God. I have spent countless hours and sleepless nights trying to find answers. I think I had been missing the point of prayer completely.

I don’t know why I thought my family would not suffer. Maybe because it is so inconceivable to even think about your child dying. There is suffering all over the world. Prayers are said and bad things continue to happen. No one is exempt from this. Sometimes our prayers are answered as we wanted, and we are so grateful. It is good to give thanks, but prayers alone are not enough. We need to thank God by using our time to selflessly help others in whatever their need.

Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” When I analyze this I see despair. He did not want to be crucified. If there was another way, he was asking for it. There was no other way. I think this quote from the Bible is often overlooked. It is a prayer that was not answered as Jesus wanted it answered. Great suffering was endured. Though the resurrection ultimately gives humanity hope for the afterlife, Jesus was hoping for another way.

Hearing religious platitudes such as “God gives us what we need”, can be infuriating to a bereaved parent. It is dismissive and gives no comfort. No one needs to live with the heart ache of living without their child. We need our children. However, maybe God does give us what we need in an internal sense. I believe it is there inside of us, and it may take, metaphorically speaking, a mining crew of 1000 men to unearth, but it is there. It has to be. I’m not interested in stories of miracles where the happy ending was getting the positive answer from prayer but rising above the ashes. I find more strength and encouragement from these stories. That seems more real to me and what gives me hope.

I do not write this to challenge your beliefs. I write this to give the perspective of someone who has gone through a trauma; a perspective that had never occurred to me before Noah got sick. Prayer is powerful. I pray more now than I have ever in my life. God is present every moment of our lives, even when things go bad. We may feel alone at the time, but he never left. “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?” In so many words I have asked God just that. With time, I no longer feel alone. There is a presence in my life now that gives me comfort when I start to feel that anxiety building up. I like to think it’s Noah showing me comfort through a stronger faith.

I think of what Jesus, the kindest man that ever lived went through. Why would I expect my life to be easier?  I have been thinking a lot about Jesus saying, “Take up your cross and follow me.” We all have a cross; some are heavier than others, but we all have one. It’s not easy to follow this path, but when it comes down to it, it is all we have.