January 24, 2017​

When grieving over your child, there are many emotions that come, go and come back again. The first two years after Noah died felt like I was on a rollercoaster. Many times I felt as if I was out of my mind. I still have moments now, but there is more distance between these extreme emotions.

God was who I was the angriest with. I was also angry at the doctors who misdiagnosed Noah before he was diagnosed with cancer. But I was not as angry at them as I was with God. I felt that the doctors did their best with what they knew and ultimately Noah's life was in God's hands.

I had never prayed so hard in my entire life. Prayers were said by so many from all around the world, yet it still did not save Noah. I would cringe when people would tell me, "prayer works." I felt completely disconnected from them. They did not have the experience I had.

A woman once told my mom that she would never turn away from God when she heard that my husband and I were having a faith crisis. After a few minutes, she apologized saying, "I have never lost a child or grandchild so I really don't know what I would do."

I stopped praying for a while, but God was still a part of my life. There were so many times when I was sobbing into a pillow on my closet floor asking Him, "Where are you?" I was so incredibly heartbroken and lost. Was this a sign of God's love?

I still do not have the answer as to why Noah or other children suffer and die. Children are so innocent, and I think that's one of the hardest parts of accepting their death. I am not as angry with God as I was initially. I pray a lot now. In fact, more than I ever have before, but it is different.

It is still important to reflect on those who are suffering, but maybe it means more when we try to help them too. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to solve the issue, but to be there for someone and give them a gesture of support. I once thought the miracle that would come out of Noah's illness would be a cure to the cancer that spread through his body. Now I try to focus more on all the people, many who I did not know, that were so supportive during the worst time of my life.

There is no right way to grieve since we are all so different. Even though I hated the way I felt when I was angry with God, I could not help it. I think to ignore it would not have been healthy. I share this because I know there are others who have also fell into the darkness of despair. We can't always help the way we feel, but what we can do is to allow those grieving to take their time, show compassion and not pass judgement. 

Faith Crisis​

Liam and Declan created their own Nativity scene this Christmas.