At one of my first Junior Olympics

May 23, 2017​

I have been asked this question several times over the course of my life. The first time was during my swimming career. I am very short and acquired nicknames such as “Tiny” and “Mighty Mouse.” Despite my stature, I was fast and met my husband at the Division I university that awarded me a scholarship.

The next time in my life I heard this question was after I had my twins. We lived 12 hours away from our family and learned to be very independent.

I took pride in my accomplishments and how I handled my stage in life. Now I hear that question in regard to the death of my son. When I first heard it, I thought what choice do I have? There’s life or death, but I think there are actually three choices- life, existing and death.

There is a difference between choosing life and just existing. After Noah died, I was merely existing in a fog going through the motions of each day for months. Nothing made sense any more. I was devastated and lost in a world that allowed children to die before their parents.

Choosing existence is not limited to the bereaved. Going on autopilot is easy to fall into as our society measures success by the number of hours worked, the house or car you own, or how many things you can juggle all at once. We have created a world that does not value down time. There are so many distractions and demands that pull us away from maintaining relationships with those we love and doing the things that really matter.

“When we are too busy to reflect on how we are living our lives, it is almost certain that we are not busy doing the right things.” Matthew Kelly, motivational speaker and author, says in one of his books. I want to be the best mother, wife, daughter, Christian, and friend I can be. I have found it helpful to continue to educate myself on living a life true to my values, not just saying what is important to me but actually living it. There are times when I still struggle, but I am now content living this way. I no longer accept the excuse of being too busy to accomplish this. I have learned to create time and minimize distractions that get in the way.

Surrounding myself with people, activities, books, and materials on becoming the best person I can has allowed me to feel like there is meaning in my life. I am truly living life, not merely existing.