When my husband and I received the news that our 15 month old son had cancer, we were devastated. At that point we realized we would no longer be living a “normal” life. Noah had special care which included taking many medicines; some of them I had to inject using a needle. There would be more meals at the hospital, and we would not be spending much time together at home with his twin brother. Of course the biggest and most important unknown was would Noah survive this? The number of changes were endless. Once the initial shock wore off, we began to get into a new routine.

My husband and I prayed the hardest and most we ever had in our lives. Prayers were said for Noah from all over the world. At one point, Noah seemed to be feeling much better and made significant physical improvements. I was convinced that God had answered our prayers and that Noah was going to be ok.

The cancer was so aggressive and was taking over other parts of his body. Any hope that he would get better was gone. Noah died in my arms at 17 months old.

It has been three years since Noah’s death. After his death I had to start my life over. Everything as I knew it had changed. Losing and missing Noah was by far the worst loss and just the beginning of many losses I experienced. My relationship with God had changed. Relationships with family and friends changed. My daily routine was changed. I went from taking care of two children to one. It felt so unnatural, and my heart would ache even more seeing his twin play by himself. I had to answer a toddler’s questions, asking when his brother is coming home.

I had changed. I went from finding a positive in every bad situation to feeling overwhelmed with anger and immense sadness. How could I ever accept Noah’s death? There could never be a reason as to why he died that would give me comfort no matter how hard I searched for one. I had felt so thankful of the life I was living and that my twins came out of the NICU ok. Before Noah’s illness, that was the worst experience I had faced and was hopeful that we would never go through something like that again. The day after Noah’s death, I remember thinking that it seemed impossible that the sun could shine and life could continue on without my beautiful boy in it. Everything seemed to work out before this, and I knew this time I would never go back to feeling how I once did.

I have experienced one of every parent’s worst nightmares. In some ways I feel like a survivor. It does not necessarily “get better” with time. Getting better is something that happens when you get a cold. You get knocked down for several days then one day you get back up to your old self. My old self left when Noah died. I’ve gotten used to my new life and how things will forever feel different than how they once were. I have learned to live with heartache while searching to feel content again. Some days are easier than others.

Taking each day at a time is how I live my days. Life continues and has not always been kind since Noah’s death. His twin had several surgeries to remove things that were considered “precancerous.” We had to start over in another state due to a job change. Almost a year ago I had a miscarriage. My husband and I have also experienced a joy that I thought would never be attainable again; the birth of my third son.

I work through my grief by sewing pillowcases and Beads of Courage bags and crocheting hats to children in the hospital. I started a website (ahavenawayfromthestorm.com) that I hope gives comfort to other bereaved parents to know that they are not alone in their suffering and have suggestions on how to help other children in need. I think a lot about parents who have sick children in the hospital and offer my support. I also sew prayer covers for the church I belong to and spend more time reflecting on stewardship to work towards a closer relationship with God.

It is not easy being Noah’s mom, but I am so thankful that Noah was my son and will forever be part of my life. Things will never be the same for me, but somehow there is always hope. 

​This entry was originally posted on Blessed by Brenna. 

Searching for Hope